There are books you can read, too, to help. She chose counseling and says that she wants to try and work things out. Rent it. Thanks for taking the time to read all this. Anyone can respond with something mean. The process is very well described in detail :) the interesting thing is falling in love again takes inputs from both persons and if the other person is not willing to be genuine and do their part to make up for the betrayal then it leaves one with suffering alternating with numbness which eventually overtakes (ie. I have asked him if there is someone else, he swears not and I am inclined to believe him. Promises wouldnt be enough. We have no children but know we want to fix our marriage. I noticed a change in how he acts and looks at me, so I asked him what was going on. He was insanely jealous that Peter was going to remain there whilst we left. He was truly upset he had hurt me and worried that this might ruin us. That is exactly what young people do. No man should ever cheat on a woman and actually brag about it to her face. But its very hard to get through the flagellation to get there. The third time we broke up I called him to see how serious he was about me and he said that he hadnt got over his issues and he placed a greater importance to school. But I cant go through non-stop abuse and humiliation to get there. Well the ex finally got a , There is so much that go into a marriage. We are thousands of miles away from her I wasnt expecting him to do anything. April 28, 2022 . Rebuilding love after emotional damage can be difficult, but through forgiveness and effective communication a damaged relationship can be heal. He claims hes a changed man and that he will do anything to prove to me that he really loves me. Theres love, passion and chemistry uniting us but things arent always easy. How can I prove to her that Im changing because I really am. The other husband and I were joking around. her in 2 weeks time and spend the weekend with Hi Mike, Please help! Do you think I can redeem myself or not? Im scared of getting intimate without an assurance that he is the one he will be there for me because if he is not comfortable he is gonna leave me. So confused! So after a week of my parents seeing how miserable I was at home they let me move in with him, and when I went there it felt like he didnt want me there (he did not even help me unload my things) but I didnt care he was all I wanted. Anything and everything sets us off to an unnecessary fight and argument these days. But stopped complimenting me. Hi Melly In which he barely worked anyways.. He has, without a doubt, helped me grow as a person, and will always be a huge part of my life. PLEASE READ: I met my sons father when I was in high school he was 2 years younger he was the perfect gentle men we were inseparable we had love like the movies. The bottom line is that sex was meant to cement a relationship. If it works well for you then this experience may be a blessing in disguise. 4. comment. I give it a few days and reach out to her, she responds she finally realized that I am not it for her short or long term. Well, things just got worse. I am angry he was not honest about his true feelings the last few months. I am trying everything to fix us, he is being understanding and committed himself to our marriage again but still wont tell me when I can go home. He found me. One of the keys to earning trust back is patient giving. That means being patient and not expecting the response you want, but giving, giving, giving. So, after 16 months, I have pushed him away for good. No support from family or anyone else. One. Its a hard pill to swallow. Give it some time, work on myself, let her work on herself and then try to slowly contact her then? But, she wont believe me now. I went to the doctor to find out for sure and I was. Well the ex finally got a , It broke my heart and my trust and I still struggle to regain his trust. But you need to be able to do some of that at home. Hi Beth, At the time the only way he knew was to leave. I tried using that. Let me ask you: Do you know what he cares about? I found her on his Skype. Samara, of COURSE he fell out of love. And the same question can be asked of his up and down feelings. I came off them a month ago and now can see things far better. I have been taken advantage of by a girl I love and we dont even have kids together. However as much as I wanted to so we could be a family I physically and emotionally could not do it. Right before she told me of her lack of feelings, I began taking an active approach in things like my career and relationship, after all, my life is in my control, but it was too little too late. Call me crazy but I thought we could fix this however it is becoming more & more challenging. I hope you are ok, its so stressful! After all, marriage is a relationship built on love and respect that lasts until the end of time. He says he wants to keep trying because he remembers how amazing our relationship was, but I feel like hes just saying that and is not motivated enough to act on it. He was my everything, the last time I felt anything similar was 20 years ago when I was 21. Yes, it makes sense but there is no way I could help you w/o actually seeing you and talking this thing through. I love him, as my spouse and the father of my children, but I want that in love feeling back and Im having trouble opening myself up again to him in order to be able to feel that. . But,they kissed. Before that, I had told her my ex contacted me and I was transparent about the details of our conversation. I apparently told him that I didnt trust him, and I dont feel like thats the case. It is easy enough to see how love and hate can coexist in cases of unreciprocated love. And i really dont want to lose him at all. I wonder if he can ever fall in love with me again. This person cheated on me many times, but I was still there by them when they were going through their addictions and trying to fight them. I cannot do an abrupt withdrawal of everything, shutters down and shop closed. Past relationships are kinda interfering with my faith In what he tells me. she said shes convinced herself that we werent going to be together an moved on. Next point, you are very young. she quickly deleted her status and called me right away but i didnt answer. If she cant tell me that she loves me I am worried that counseling may not help. I cannot see a life without her and I will give everything to right my wrongs just to have her with me again. I owe him my life. We are both very dependent on each other because we started dating when we were 16/17 years old. We both say that we love each other and we want to be together, but she is having a very hard time being certain about whether or not she can let go and be with me. but he kept doing things that broke my heart. We have built a good life as a family. My wife and I have been together for 17 years total, married for the last 8. Then, I basically told him that I was fed up him, were broken up, and that hes free to go do whatever he wants, and Ill do the same. My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for two years and a half. You understand your opinions are important, and you have confidence in your ideas. please help me what to do ? But as I said, he wont show me much emotion. I worked my way through these bills, going as far back as 2002 when they originally began texting each other. He also has another less popular twitter account which I also hacked. He has plenty of friends and family that he can talk to (even older male friends that he said he looks up to) , and many of them have talked to him about our situation, but I dont know if he truly has listened to them. If I hurt him, Im sure my behavior could lead to hurting friends and family if I dont change for the better. This is a update on my previous post and I really really need your advice. Although theres a strong connection between us, I feel he doesnt care about my needs. He has never lied to me and usually says what he means, but Im lost. We were planning to get married. Only a matter of time. Ive been trying work on myself but recently about two weeks ago I lied about being with someone else when my partner and I were not exclusive or dating, now she mad, disappointed, wont talk to me, has blocked me in every way possible. So they take what is in the moment rather than count on something long term. Anyone can retaliate. Please help me out, i want my family to stay strong together, with love and loyalty , respect what should i do to win her love for me ! Well, heres an update again. You dont want to start a marriage that was wrong from the beginning. Where do I turn from here? A couple months later he cheated on me with his ex fiance. But one night i got really drunk, and Im a mean drunk. That has been haunting you for a long time. Tyler, I mean therapy! People (including him) will see your effort and you will reap the love and success from your efforts in other areas of your life. Hey Steve, thanks for commenting on my article and on your sincere remorse. Hes not wrong. What I found most interesting about was u said was that I dont love his character? Do any of you think that there might still be a chance? for her and she lost the sparkright now im so In a series of studies, Vivian Zayas and Yuichi Shoda found that people don't just love or hate significant others. Not so simple, it seems to me. I dont want to always regret what I could have had. But Im hopeless now, because he was so good and I dont know if Ill be able to get him back. Is this a normal thing? She is the one, the person I want to grow old with. But the guy himself, uh-uh. My mother in law showed how selfish she is since day one making a huge drama about everything. Then with him working out of town with little time to talk its even more difficult. Guilt is also a destructive emotion. I could feel your sadness and dismay when I read it. Too late.he hasnt left me.but . One year down the line.. he started liking his job, he settled in finally.. but the attitude towards me did not change. That is totally understandable but not healthy and not fair. A first date is special between two new individuals who want to get to know each other better and see if there is some chemistry between them. This I learned mid July. Am welling to fight back, but i feel hes is not trying to put the effort into getting back together. If you are working on yourself and so is he, it could still take lots of time. Really listen and comment to her on what she is getting at. He massaged me the next day saying he wasnt ready to talk face to face yet but that he would let me know when he was. He says no because it will just be a waste of time because hes feelings are never going to change. The emotional abuse began pretty much immediately. I find myself very hyper-sensitive when questioned by her as I feel I should not have to tell her everything I do or think or say to other people, maybe she is just asking out of curiosity but I dont like being questionedI had enough of it from the time before, how do I move past this??? We were both becoming distant and have both attempted to break up with each other but could not as we both still truly care for each other. I have many but none are for any man who has been in my life. But I know that I pushed him away. Now suddenly after 3 years he cant tell me he loves me, and claims once I said that about the miscarriage he stopped but has been saying it for the past two months trying to force himself to feel it but wont ever deal with whats bothering him, he just bottles it up and gets more and more angry, and even more angry if I try to talk to him about it which is frustrating to me because I am a talker and try to talk things out. Does anyone feel this way too? Since we have separated I have observed his relationship and interaction with the children improving. I made a very unhealthy environment for anyone to be around me and I kick my self today for having make the mistakes that I did. On IG, he was chatting up another too. Jessica After that drug thing I am so confused and I really dont know what I do. He is always supportive of things that might better our life together. I have promised to try and change the ways I have become so mired in, and told her that I realize that these are just words, and that I hope my actions can speak on their own. We were mostly content with the relationship. Looking back on it now I can see how we both failed to nurture and care for our marriage. But about a week after that, we sat down and talked and it was the best conversation weve had in a long time. If the problem was religious, there is such a thing as repentance and forgiveness. We were friends in high school and are both 45. I got a job, he got mad because he had to quit his. And is by the same guy over and over because I keep on believing that he can change for 5 years now ,,,recently I just dont know what to do anymore. Please help! He didnt get upsethis first concern was if we were ok. You need to let the other person see, and hear about, your weaknesses. I believe we both just want to be happy together but things are so complicated.Im losing hope. Do you notice an interesting pattern? Do men not expect feelings to develop over time, we are adults. Within 4 years of arrival I caught my husband sitting in a parked car, kissing a 15 year-old neighbor whose family we had befriended. He does have trouble getting an erection sometimes, and he later admitted that was why he had done it. He just treated me like crap with little remorse, but I dismissed it because I was still head over heals in love with him. Next, it is not your job to make him happy. be with her n do things for her. Hi Shelly I know this is controversial but the chemistry that we share is so great and it never disappears, not even during our crisis. Should I stop worrying myself to death and just trust him, then deal with the repercussions if something does happen? That happens to be a bad idea but our society works that way. Please help me, Give him some space ask him if he is happier around somebody else maybe he has love for his ex that he doesnt have for u but u have to ask to find out you are lucky that u have him around to talk with cuz the man I love doesnt even want to talk he just plain out says leave me alone dont talk to me. Man. You become willing to be vulnerable and open more and more. Im feeling really anxious but this article has given me some hope. Not knowing i was replying her on my phone. And what can I do to make him trust me again? I do love her still but I am tired of back and forth. She said yes. Instead of going through his phone without permission (seriously??) Often, the challenge isn't finding love, but daring to face one's own defenses and let love. He says he forgives me and has moved on. He ended all contact with the ex before the second time around with us, and he was very clear that the relationship was past him; this time he was ready to commit fully to me. I also hold a Master of Business Administration degree from the University of Maryland USA.I was raised by my adopted parents, though they were rich, i suffered a lot but im always grateful to them because they gave me life, may be without them i will be dead by now. I cried all through the holiday season. The therapist even gave him an opening to walk away, close the door forever. Now, after apologies and finally making a date to meet (we havent met yet by the way but I feel she is someone I always have wanted) and trying everything to make it right she CONTINUES TO SAY I DONT GET IT. -Ashley. But make sure youve learned your lesson before trying to pursue her again. Eventually my husband walked into the office & put his hands on the back of the chair; leaned towards me & growled in a cold, hard voice that He had hated me his whole $*#@%@! I finally walked away. I cannot believe he dumped me so easily with no care or feeling. We have been living together for five years, and married for two and a half. I dont think you blew things out of proportion. 5: Another idea among the 15 ideas for a perfect first date is to do something that will make her laugh I wish it were easier than that. Ask her if shes willing to go ice skating with you Then about a year ago we met up again and started to become intimate but I stopped it because I felt terrible. He then ask me not to contact him anymore . Those years , I always tend to choose others then him becos I cant be a step-mom ( I told myself ) and seeing after and another.All fails and i still turn back to him for comfort. Feelings count! I was now suspicious of everything I shouldve been a private investigator because the amount of time I spent checking up on him, where he was, who he was with, etc. I did not hesitate. I wrote on here in November of this year. Just for adding a childhood friend. He even went to florida for a few days with her because she didnt want to go by herself. We were asked to write questions which we could work through. No dramas. She told me to delete every thing i have of hers and not to write to her any more. My boyfriend who I was with for 2 years distanced himself from me. She claims it was like a science experiment to see if she could feel anything. He texts me every day, telling me to have a wonderful day and that he loves me. I do want her back and will try to get her back once Im 100 percent. I confronted him again. am thinking of surprising her soon going to see her When we moved out to the new area she shut me out completely. I am inneed of it badly. She obviously has no time for me. This person is tasked with the challenge of getting each of you to open up your deepest (positive) feelings but also your fears, anxieties, all of it. I suggest she get counseling to help her figure this out. I love him and always will but I want to feel the same way I did when it all began but I just dont and I just cant, Ive tried for so long to get that spark back but I think the damage is done and im beyond the point of recovery here. Any advice from you? He then had an accident 2 years later which has left him in huge amounts of pain. Before you can explain it to your boyfriend, you need to explain it to yourself. Hi Shena I sincerely thank you. I confronted him about it and the other women. Me having to tend to our newborn. She only ended up getting pregnant by another guy. He said we need to start over because we have both become different people than we were. She says NO I dont want you to go, I dont want to have to deal with your needs, your comfort, and its not about you, its their beautiful day, she says she is done talking and hangs up. Here are some steps that you both can take: 1. He clearly does have a problem, as he admitted a few years ago. That said, the fact that the two of you were loyal to one another until you broke up with him shows some maturity. Spark a Love Connection Few days ago i was at the Mall when she called. Right 3 weeks qfter this incident a boy confessed to me saying he was serious and all, then we started dating in online but i had been traumatised by my ex issue with parents thus i had been so insecure while dating. Basically, she says she does not know right now. But we still talk on and off and she still loves me but doesnt want to leave the guy shes with. Take a plunge and think of what you can say or do that would be romantic and exciting. Weve seen each other a few times and hes kissed me and huggedwithout me pulling him in. Hey all So, I read the article, and I think it has valid points. I was very hurt and confused but after long talks we decided to stay together and move with his parents to a new state, thousands of miles away from my family. He was my perfect first boyfriend and I needed to be the perfect girlfriend. What is NOT appealing is being desperate. i think i just wanted attention, after i was out of my home and lonely. Until the time arrived for him to choose between two different jobs, one in his country and one in the country where I live. I think apart of.me was scared that I would move in with my child and he would eventually break up with me and I dont think I could bare that. And he does not know how to get back to the place he would prefer to be with you as a family, but in love as well. I need advice. Even more than when we firet met. She said my ex would be back if I gave her time but idk if I believe that. I feel that this is the best option, seeing as neither of us deserves to live awkwardly and miserably in the same house trying to raise a baby together, but alone, and neither of us intends to leave. how can i call his attention? I dont know what to do anymore. She lost the first time but tried again the next year. he is to the point where he would get divorced. This is not the first time this has happened, but we always manage to decide to work around things and still be together. Then he came by my house later to pick up his laptop but I wasnt able to log out of Facebook. Its easy to see when people are lying. That is, your partner is so anxious to wish away all the bad in the relationshipwhich is understandablethat he/she may make you feel like he/she is more concerned with what he/she is getting out of it than what you are being offered. Some examples might help. After giving him uphill about another married lady that he is spending time with that side, he burst out in tears and it surfaced that he has been feeling shut out of my life, that I died inside and cut him out. But he made the last one GF. During that time. I told him of all the things he used to do that made me unhappy (though I was happy sometimes, just not for long periods) then ended with the discoveries I made..He was pissed that I went as far as signing into his accounts. He didnt show it at the time but was discreetly trying to tell me that I needed to chill out. And Id have done that for him cos we do that occasionally. And through out the summer I felt our communication was extremely poor and at times felt like he was ignoring me and didnt really care for me. Hello again Dr. Deb, She left me for a month and then came back, admitted she had been with someone else, and I didnt care. At least this is what I feel Im supposed to learn. I introduced my self to her and all I get is an attitude from her and she makes it very uncomfortable. At this point what is done is done. I love him so much, I feel I lost my best friend but I have to respect myself. 9: Enjoy an aquarium Are those words true or just hurt/anger talking. ever since we found out her mom was moving, her attitude has changed very drastically in the sense where I can tell something is bothering her. I dont want to hurt him, I do love him but I dont think im in love with him anymore. Im unsure of what to do andit is making me crazy. She cried a few tears as did I because I believe we wanted this to work out. Indeed, instead of contributing her opinion on the issues she said my baby father is outside to pick my up. This is my first move away from home and I suppose I was just rather immature and excited about the whole process of having new life experiences and immersing myself in culture that I didnt think about the people and things I would leave behind. He also told me I didnt respect him,appreciate him, and I treated him like a child. The fact that he is back and forth with you tells me that. Its lots of girls across different SM accounts. The counseling should be goal-oriented, meaning, you should be given specific tools to rebuild your sense of self-esteem and overcome the destructive messages that you have inside. You are working on all of it. At this point I did not want to insult her intelligence or continue to tell a lie because I want this to work.. Im writing this praying and hoping for a response from anyone at this point. Because by telling her this, you validate her feelings without putting any pressure on her to do anything at all. I asked them to leave the office so we could talk & proceeded to show her these horrendously expensive phone bills (most of which were touching on SAR800 per month). I dont know what to do. Its possible for a person to make mistakes in life we all do- but if we LEARN from them, were better than we were before. For their sake, I wish it would work but for mine I just want it over. But her treatment of me stuck caused me to need about 24hrs away. I recently found out my boyfriend lost feelings for me over a lot of arguing. Although it was very out of character for me I recently cheated on him with another man who makes me feel happy and wanted. So responded and lashed at her for games she played. Therefore, its impossible for them to validate you. every second I never let her miss me cos she would He is not the kind of person who likes to talk about feelings or his inner world, nor does he need to communicate on daily basis with me. I figured I had to be that girl so if it happened again at least I didnt give my all. Dr. Deb Im a controlling wife thats why my husband told me that he dont love me anymore . I said she could give him oral sex, and that I wasnt interested in watching. (Of course, you need to check on the competency and that is a different article.) But I did what I had to do in writing and verbally. Can you send the link, please? I threatened to get custody of our son and I wanted her out of the house. Hi, If a man cant give you what you need and you have tried to explain it and are kind, fair, understanding, then you need to realize hes not the right one. I used it on my girlfriend for 9 months. It seems to me you are covered. since we started having sex again i realise his behaviour towards me is a little better but when he leaves and go back to the other city to work he comes home with a strange behaviour and he dont want me to touch him and then the night before he goes back to the other city we have sex and he gave me a a body massage for mothers day and that how the sex started. I found a video call and chat where he was asking her to pull off her clothes, twerk and show him her privates. But this time. It was her friend. In the end neither of us were happy with anyone else. We are both 28yrs old and when we were 16yrs old he cheated on me and we broke up for a year. How can I get him to trust me and show him that Im not going to hurt him. The first time I found out he begged for me to take him back. But she wont accept my forgiveness. I really do love him and I really do want my best friend back but I just dont know what else I can do. When I got out I asked him what I had to do, I didnt want him to give up on me, on us. The truth is, it feels very good to be loved, but that is not enough for marriage. Copyright 2007 - 2023 GoodTherapy, LLC. We carried on to see each other after this however, bearing in mind during this whole period we never were established as a couple. Me and my husband (together 10 years, married 18m) have 2 children together. "The Rise and Fall of the Romantic Ideal," In R. Grossi & D. West (eds. But I cant get him to talk to me. 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